What comes to mind when you think of a chip? Is it salty, spicy…maybe even sweet? Is it something smooth or is it textured? Is it triangular, round, oddly shaped? Chips come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors. They have a ridiculous amount of personality…and so do you. So, what chip are you, anyway? Now presenting, the zodiac signs as chips.
Aries: Takis Fuego
Aries love to be number one. I suppose I’m indulging every Aries out there by sticking them at the top of this list, but it just makes sense (it’s the first sign, after all). They’re extremely bold and they always come out on top, no matter how tough the competition or criticism. So, it’s only natural that their chip is a trendsetter, a bold and unexpected addition to the wonderful world of chips: Takis! Just like Aries, Takis are ambitious, innovative, controversial, and just straight-up inimitable. The competition just can’t handle the heat.
Taurus: Pringles Sour Cream & Onion
There’s nothing more earthy for our very first earth sign than a vegetable pulled right out of the ground. That’s right. Tauruses, you’re a Pringles Sour Cream & Onion chip. Does my lack of creativity bother you? Probably not. Because you’re calm, soothing, and gentle, just like the subtle flavor of oniony sour cream. Sure, you might be a bit stubborn. But you’re loyal, too. And you love to cuddle. And there’s nothing more cuddly and loyal than a Pringles chip. Look at them. They stack and it’s like each one is giving the next one a hug. Not to mention, they’ve literally got each other’s backs in that can. Adorable!
Gemini: Doritos Roulette Nacho Cheese
You never know what you’re gonna get with a Gemini. They have tons of energy, are extremely curious, and always have a bunch on their plate. They’re charismatic and adapt well to every environment, but they’re also constantly fighting an internal battle. They’re calm and cool on the outside but going nuts on the inside. When you look at a bag of Doritos Roulette chips, you think, “Oh fun! That package is so aesthetically pleasing. It’s so perfect and put together!” But when you open the bag, the inside is chaotic. You don’t know if you’re gonna get a spicy chip or a regular one. Honey, you’ve opened a bag of chips, but you’ve also opened a can of worms.
Cancer: Utz’s “The Crab Chip”
Hi, Cancers!!! You’re a crab chip. That’s right. A crab chip. “That’s so unimaginative!” you groan. One day you’ll forgive me, but let’s be real, you’ll never forget this. If it’s any consolation, I mostly picked this chip because the bag has a crab with cute little eyes on the front. And since you don’t like change, I picked the chip closest to what you are now (a crab).
It’s time to bust out the most dramatic chip for the most dramatic sign. The Leos are here, they’re hot, and they’re in need of attention. You know what else is fiery and in need of constant attention? Cheetos Crunchy Flamin’ Hot. (Yes, these qualify as chips. Sorry not sorry.)Cheetos will get dust all over your fingers and make sure never forget you ate them. You’re busy watching a movie while eating them? BOOM. Cheeto dust all over your remote. Quick snack before a date night? BOOM. Your cute clothes now have red streaks all over them. You finish the bag? BOOM. Your tummy starts rumbling from all the heat. But you just can’t resist…
Virgos are logical. They’re a sign you can depend on. They’re reliable and hardworking. And they’re represented by a goddess associated with wheat and agriculture, so you need a hearty chip. A reliable one. One that’s practical and dependable, just like a Kettle Brand potato chip! They’ve got that hearty potato base, you can always count on them to be there for you, and they won’t crack under pressure (literally).
Libra: PopCorners Kettle Corn Chips
Libra is a harmonious sign. Libras are obsessed with aesthetics and symmetry. Oh, and Libra is an air sign. What’s a chip that’s airy and perfectly harmonious? PopCorners Kettle Corn chips. They’re aesthetically pleasing triangles with little air pockets. And the harmony really comes through in the kettle corn flavoring, which creates a perfect balance of sweet and salty that screams Libra.
Scorpio: Zapp’s Voodoo Chips
Scorpios are super mysterious. They can look right into your soul and pick up on things that the average person can’t. They’re practically psychic. To me, that sounds spooky. And like magic. So they get the spookiest chip out there, Zapp’s Voodoo chips. The chips are in a spooky-looking bag with a spooky street lamp and spooky little voodoo dolls. Okay, I think I’ve thoroughly spooked myself. Moving on…
Sagittarius: Calbee Baked Shrimp Chips
Sagittarians are adventurers that defy social norms. They love traveling, which means they’re an international chip! Shrimp chips aren’t for everyone (for instance, me), but hey, Sagittarians are open-minded and curious. We could all learn a lesson from them. (In fact, I’m gonna go buy a bag of shrimp chips right now and give them another go!)
Capricorn: Lay’s Classic Potato Chips
Capricorns, Capricorns, Capricorns. They are responsible, dutiful, and glorious. (And no, I am hyping them up because I’m a Capricorn. You have no idea what I am.) Capricorns don’t seek attention, they just like to be respected. And the most respectable, chill chip out there is a Classic Lay’s Potato Chip. A perfect chip for a perfectionist. Beat that, Capricorns!
Aquarius: Herr’s Ketchup Chips
Aquarius is the most compassionate of the signs. Aquarians are extremely interested in humanitarian causes, even though they sometimes focus too much on the big picture. They’re idealistic, just like…Herr’s chips! The chip company has a charitable branch that does community outreach. In addition to making a difference, Aquarians are also obsessed with exercising personal freedom and long to stand out, so they’d make a bold choice when choosing their flavor. Thus, ketchup!
Pisces: Cape Cod Sea Salt & Vinegar
Pisces is a fish. Fish, like a cod! Cod are found in the ocean. The ocean is salty. Bada bing, bada boom! I present to you, a very candid glance into my brain. Glancing into brains is totally psychic. Pisces is psychic. Okay, okay! Enough of my thoughts! If you’re a Pisces, you’re probably not even reading this anyway. You’re probably daydreaming.