Well, it’s officially September, which means it is officially October for grocery shopping purposes. Yup, the pumpkin-spice-a-palooza has begun. But while pumpkin spice season has brought us some great things, like pumpkin pie and pumpkin spice lattes, it has also brought us some things that make a lot less sense. As someone who writes food news for a living, I can personally attest to the fact that every year we get an insane number of weird new pumpkin spice products that we never even knew we wanted. And I love those products. I really do. Whether it is because they taste good or simply because their existence is hilarious, they deserve a place on this list of which weird pumpkin spice product you are (based on your zodiac sign, of course).
Aries (March 21-April 19): Pumpkin Spice Bubbies Mochi Ice Cream
Aries are a well-liked bunch and mochi ice cream is a crowd pleaser for sure. Throw in the pumpkin spice flavor profile and I don’t think many people would say no to this, much like Aries, who are known to be good leaders that most people would follow. What can I say? Both Aries and mochi ice cream are just fun to have around.
Read our ranking of the best mochi ice cream
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Pumpkin Spice Jet-Puffed Marshmallows
What is more cozy and comforting than marshmallows in your hot chocolate? Pumpkin Spice marshmallows in your hot chocolate, that’s what. And there is no sign more cozy and comforting than Taurus. That’s just a fact. Tauruses make people feel at ease and we love them for it.
Read our ranking of the best marshmallows
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Pumpkin Spice SPAM
I think this one is pretty obvious. This SPAM is both canned meat and a pumpkin spice product. And just as this SPAM has two very unique sides to it, so too do Geminis. Geminis often have a lot going on in their heads and lives at any given moment and that can lead to a bit of chaos—but let’s be honest, we love them for it.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Pumpkin Spice Dunkin’ Goldfish Graham Crackers
Most people would look at this product and think, “UGH! Cheese and pumpkin spice? GROSS!” But never fear, Cancers, these are graham goldfish, not cheesy goldfish, and they’re actually really good. These Goldfish are like Cancers in that you may be uncertain how you feel about a Cancer at first, but the minute you interact with them, BAM, they pass the vibe check. Definitely fun people to have around.
Read our ranking of the best Goldfish flavors
Leo (July 23-August 22): Pumpkin Spice Cheerios
Of all the things on this list, this is the item you are most likely to have heard about. Pumpkin Spice Cheerios first came out in 2016 and have been back every year since. These spicy lil O’s are for those people who make their whole life pumpkin spice-themed during the months of August through November. Those people often happen to be Leos. It’s just a fact. Both pumpkin spice Cheerios and Leos love to stay top of mind and remind you they exist, and you know what? I’m glad they do. We love it when friends (or giant cereal brands) reach out to connect.
Read our ranking of the best whole grain cereal
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Pumpkin Spice Premier Protein Shake
Virgos are busy people. They want to enjoy PSL season just as much as the next person, but they are already occupied with running the world, going to the gym, and being your most responsible friend. That’s why Virgos are a pumpkin spice protein shake—they still get their fall whimsy on, but on their own schedule and with 30 grams of protein per serving.
Read our ranking of the best tasting protein shakes
Libra (September 23-October 22): Pumpkin Pie Bitchin’ Sauce
Libras like when things just make sense and Bitchin’ Sauce? Bitchin’ Sauce always makes sense. This nut-based dip happens to come in a very well-balanced, warmly spiced, sweet pumpkin spice flavor (in addition to a bunch of other savory and sweet flavors) and there is nothing Libras like more than balance. Plus, Bitchin’ sauce is vegan so even more people can enjoy it. See? Fairness and balance. We love you, Libras (and Bitchin’ Sauce).
Read our ranking of the best Bitchin’ Sauce flavors
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Simply Nature Pumpkin Spice Fruit Strips
Scorpios are mysterious, and let me just be real for a second, so is the concept of pumpkin spice fruit leather. Much like Scorpios often do, pumpkin spice fruit leather leaves me with more questions than answers. Questions like: Is it still fruit-based (like apple or something with spices?) or is it made with squash. Is it orange-ish in color or still brownish? If it is apple-based or something else? I actually would like to try this very much. But either way, the mystery of it all is very Scorpio.
Read our ranking of the best fruit rolls and strips
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Pumpkin Spice Avocado Oil Caviar (Yes, this was actually a thing last year)
Sagittariuses are always seeking to learn and try new things, and I feel like this pumpkin spice caviar would be a new experience for pretty much anyone. It is basically tiny popping boba full of pumpkin spice essence (for those uninitiated, popping boba is like if Orbeez were edible), and the company suggested you try it on vanilla ice cream to add a pop of fall spice flavor. I’m not even a Sagittarius and even I’m curious/weirded out enough that I might have to purchase this immediately just to see what it is like.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Member’s Mark Pumpkin Spice Empanadas
Capricorns have patience unlike any other sign, so they would probably be the most willing to choose a pumpkin spice snack that you have to bake in the oven. But they sure get results in the form of piping-hot pumpkin empanadas. All that is to say, Capricorns possess a patience I will never possess nor understand, and they all deserve piping hot empanadas for their efforts.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Pumpkin Spice Cup Noodles (Yes this was actually a thing last year, too)
Now, this is some revolutionary innovation. Did we ask for it? No. Was it actually good? I haven’t tried it myself, but survey says no. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. Do I LOVE the fact that this exists? YOU BETCHA. Someone at Nissin thought this was a good idea and made it happen and I respect them so much for it. The revolutionary, independent, and creative (if a bit pointless), nature of this product reminds me of something an Aquarius would come up with.
Read our ranking of the best instant noodles
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Pumpkin Spice Philadelphia Cream Cheese
Lastly, we have my spicy lil Pisces friendos. You Pisces people are just so full of whimsy and optimism and nothing makes my day feel more like it is about to be whimsical and optimistic than a fresh bagel and cream cheese in the morning. Even more whimsical if it is a plain bagel with pumpkin spice cream cheese. Astronomically whimsical if it is a pumpkin spice bagel with pumpkin spice cream cheese. And while perhaps not everyone feels the same way I do about this, I feel like a Pisces would go on this happy little bagel journey with me.
Read our ranking of the best store bought bagels
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