Spicy snacks are the best snacks. There is simply no way around it. But whether your favorite capsaicin-filled creations are Takis or Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, this list will tell you what snack you are based on your zodiac sign. So strap in, grab some milk, and careful around the eyes, because it’s time for some spicy Pisces snackies (and the other 11).
Aries (March 21-April 19): Takis Fuego
I mean of course Aries is the most popular spicy chip out there. Takis are the king of spicy chips and Aries people always strive to be (and often are) the best. Also, Takis are bright red and that tends to be the color of people’s faces when Aries take them down in competitions. Unfortunately, I learned this from experience.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Doritos Tapatío
Tapatío Doritos are perfect. They’re comforting, tangy, and spicy, and taste EXACTLY like Tapatío, just like Tauruses. Taurauses (Tauri? Tauranosaurises?) are a calming, comforting presence, but that doesn’t mean they still can’t bring the heat when it matters most. And I was kind of joking earlier, but if your Taurus friend actually smells like Tapatío, maybe tell them to shower?
Related: The Best Doritos Flavors Ranked
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Kettle Brand Krinkle Cut Habanero Lime
Geminis have been called many things—curious, multifaceted, a lil bit off their rockers, but have you ever heard them called Habanero Lime Kettle Chips? Hear me out y’all. Yes, Geminis might have two different sides to them, but hey, sometimes the sides work in harmony to create something even better than either facet on its own. I think Gemini’s multifaceted nature is what makes them so fun to be around, just like a habanero-lime chip. A lil crazy, sure, but just crazy enough to work? You bet. Plus sour, salty, and spicy famously go well together.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Buldak Carbonara Ramen
Cancers are very empathetic and sensitive people, but you wouldn’t know that when you first meet them. These Buldak spicy noodles are the same way. The packaging looks a bit scary and unapproachable (the pink! the flames!), but these noodles are actually so comforting and cheesy (in addition to being extremely spicy), just like some Cancers I happen to know.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I mean, come on. If you were making a movie about spicy snacks, who would be the main character? You know it would be miss Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. In fact, I’m pretty sure they just did this—Hollywood will biopic anything these days. But seriously, these Cheetos have extreme Leo energy and are very much in the spicy chip spotlight. I’d say it’s deservedly so, even though I love a lot of things on this list, I will never say no to spending some time with Hot Cheetos—and the same goes for Leos.
Related: We Ranked the 9 Best Cheetos Flavors
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Spicy Dill Pickle Almonds
Virgos are busy. They don’t have time for both a spicy snack AND a snack that will keep them full all afternoon—enter spicy dill pickle almonds, the snack that does, in fact, have it all. They fill you up and they are spicy, multitasking like a Virgo, girlbossing like a champ. These almonds are unequivocally the Virgo of the spicy snacking world.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Sweet Chili Doritos
These Doritos are phenomenal. Are they particularly spicy? No. But they are also not particularly sweet. What they actually are is balanced. No one flavor dominates the rest, creating a beautiful symphony of salt, fat, acid, heat, and sweet. They are the chip equivalent of a perfectly in tune major chord and Libras are the human equivalent of the same thing. Ugh, gorgeous.
Related: The Best Doritos Flavors Ranked
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Takis Blue Heat
Scorpios can be a bit hard to read and mysterious sometimes and no spicy chip is more mysterious than Takis Blue Heat. They just leave you with so many more questions than answers. An air of mystery surrounds them. For example, who thought these were a good idea? Also, how do they get them to be that blue!? Also, is there a difference in taste from Takis Fuego or are they really and truly just the same chip in a different font color?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Herr’s Jalapeño Popper Flavored Cheese Curls
Sagittariuses are curious and always looking to learn more about the world around them, and let me tell you, these strange little cheese curls from Herr’s hold many cheesy, curly secrets. They are essentially Cheetos puffs, but they are as cheesy as they are spicy, to the point where they actually taste a lot like jalapeño poppers. If you are looking to expand your spicy chip knowledge, Sagittariuses, then check out these chips the next time you see ‘em.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Ruffles Flamin’ Hot BBQ
It is a well-known fact that making good BBQ takes a while. It is also a well-known fact that Capricorns are patient, determined, and willing to take their time with things. And while buying Flamin’ Hot BBQ chips at the store isn’t anything like slow-smoking some meat in your backyard, the flavor is reminiscent of that—smoky, tangy, and, most of all, spicy. Plus, super underrated. These ruffles are the Capricorns of hot chips for sure.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Spicy Pickles
I know, what? Everyone else gets to be a chip or a noodle, and Aquarius is a pickle? Yes. 100%. Just think about it— is there a more quirky, creative, or divisive food than a pickle? Nope. Is there a more quirky, creative, and divisive person than an Aquarian? Also nope. I rest my case.
Related: All the Wickles Pickles, Ranked
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Chester’s Hot Fries
I have only ever eaten Chester’s Hot Fries with people I love. They make me nostalgic for simpler times, when a bag of these and a bag of Swedish Fish could make my entire week (actually, let’s face it, they still could). But either way, these chips cause me to romanticize my high school experience and no one sees the world in as positive and romantic a light as Pisces. Plus, these hot fries perfectly embody the vibe of “Spicy Pisces,” and we here at Sporked love a perfectly embodied vibe.