Ah, zodiac signs. They may not be the best predictor of what will happen to you on a given day, but as far as I’m concerned, they are dead accurate when it comes to matching your whole vibe to a condiment. So whether you are a Leo, a Pisces, or an astrological skeptic, check out the below list to find out (with 100% accuracy, I’m an expert) what condiment you are based on your sign.
Aries never shy away from a challenge, and if this isn’t one of the most challenging words in the English language, I don’t know what is. Also, the sauce is sour, salty, umami, and delicious, and I have heard at least one Aries person describe themselves that way, so let’s just say this is canon.
Tauruses (Tauri?), much like ketchup, are grounded, stable, and a reliable constant in their friends’ and families’ lives. I have had ketchup all over the world and it has only ever been bad once (at a restaurant where they made their own and it was, like, ALL vinegar), but the vast majority of ketchup experiences I have had in my life (and at this point, there’ve been a lot) have been overwhelmingly positive.
Gemini: Sweet Chili Sauce
Geminis are fun and outgoing, but have been known to be…somewhat two-faced some of the time (but, I mean, haven’t we all?). Sweet chili sauce is also two-faced, but THAT’S why we love her! Sweet chili sauce wouldn’t be as good if it were just sweet or just spicy. Stay complicated, Geminis—it’s what we love about ya.
Cancer: Soy Sauce
Cancers are known to be very loyal and to make all of the people around them feel like they belong, and lord knows there’s nothing that brings a dish together like a little soy sauce. Have something bitter/vegetal and something sweet in your dish? Never fear, they will both feel at home in the presence of miss salty umami soy sauce. Soy sauce and Cancers are like that one friend who can bring two of their different friend groups together for a party and somehow singlehandedly make it not awkward.
Leo: BBQ Sauce
Leos are bold and confident and are often in (or want to be in) the spotlight. That being said, I challenge you to name a dish that contains BBQ sauce where a person tasting the dish wouldn’t know it. I’ll wait. See? BBQ sauce is a natural star of the show, just like our lovely lovely Leos.
Virgo: TRUFF Hot Sauce
Virgos are detail-oriented perfectionists, and if you have ever tried a TRUFF hot sauce, you know they had some Virgos on that product development team, because, damn, is this hot sauce a beautiful, balanced, perfect mix of flavor, heat, salt, and sweet.
Libra: Honey Mustard
Speaking of balanced sauces, Libras, like honey mustard, are the champions of fairness and balance. In this sauce spread we call life, they are always there to make sure everyone gets a little something out of it and gets represented. Honey mustard is the exact same way. Whether your sandwich needs tang, sweetness, salt, or a light heat, honey mustard can provide that balance for you and make even the most boring of lunches into a balanced, complex work of art.
Mayo, much like Scorpios, can be aggressive. But the truth is they both use that passionate energy for good by supporting the underdogs in life. Mayo walked so thousand island and spicy mayo could run. And much like mayonnaise, Scorpios may seem like a lot at first but they will always have your back when you need it most.
Sagittariuses are Spur-of-the-Moment Sallys (a personality type I just came up with just now). They are spontaneous and always itching to travel, try new things, and make new choices. Let’s think about sriracha for a moment now. It is almost always a last-minute add to any meal, recipe, or restaurant dish, but 99% of the time it makes what it’s been added to taste better. And it’s not just spice either—it adds flavor, depth, complexity, and salt, all at the last second, instantly elevating the dish. Thank you, Sagittariuses, for spicing up our life.
Capricorn: Yellow Mustard
Capricorns are known for their consistency. You can rely on them to react a certain way in a high-pressure situation, keep their focus, and achieve their goals. You know exactly what you’re getting and what you’re getting is good. Both Capricorns and yellow mustard give you exactly the same experience every time without fail, and inevitably achieve their goals, whether that’s working towards a promotion or working on being the absolute best soft pretzel topping.
Both Aquariuses and Kranch often pose the same philosophical question: Why? Aquariuses are innovative and don’t follow the pack, much like Kranch (a mix of ketchup and ranch made by Heinz), which seems to exist for innovation’s sake. I’m truly not sure who asked for this sauce, but I gotta say, I respect the Aquarian hustle. Anyway, the point is that Kranch is weird but certainly innovative and since that is how Aquarius do, this is the condiment they must be assigned by the cosmos.
Pisces: Hershey’s Chocolate Sauce
Pisces are romantics. They are empathetic and often try to see the best in people. Likewise, chocolate sauce is the most romantic condiment and often brings out the best in whatever you pair it with, whether that’s fruit, ice cream, milk, or a spoon. Pisces see the world in a glowy, positive light, and if you put chocolate sauce on everything, I bet you will too.