Pizza. Once you see it or smell it, it’s all you can think about. In fact, just reading the word can get your mouth watering and your tummy rumbling for something hot and cheesy. Luckily, the grocery store is absolutely chockablock with frozen pizzas. They’re affordable, they’re delicious, and the variety of crust styles and toppings can’t be beat. But if you’re afflicted with decision paralysis, picking one can be a pain. Have no fear, my fellow pizza aficionadoughs. We’ve lovingly paired a pie with every zodiac sign so you can let the stars decide what finds its way into your oven the next time a craving strikes. Here’s what frozen pizza you are based on your zodiac sign.
All the bold, competitive, and ambitious Aries out there deserve a unique and delicious pizza: Motor City Pizza Co.’s Supreme Detroit-Style Deep Dish Pizza. Motor City Pizza Co.’s Supreme Detroit-Style Deep Dish Pizza is no joke. And, yes, I chose to repeat the whole name in full because it’s that good. It deserves the respect. This deep-dish delight is always topping our pizza rankings. Like an Aries, it’s just gotta be number one.
If you’re a Taurus, you love being comfortable. You like curling up in blankets rather than going out, and you don’t like stressful changes or having to share. So you deserve a pizza you can eat all by yourself at home, like Stouffer’s French Bread Pizzas. They’re so darn cheesy and easy to make. In fact, you’ve probably been eating these since you were a kid and still enjoying them to this day.
Geminis are kind of wacky, in the best way. I can say that with confidence since I know a lot of them. They’re erratic, funny, versatile, and very good at bringing people together. If you’re a Gemini, you should pick up a Screamin’ Sicilian pizza. It’s chaotically good. The name is a lot and the pizza is a lot, too—this thing is absolutely stacked with pepperoni. Even the packaging is a little wild. But, like any good Gemini, this pie has a flipside, too. So, while it may look out-there, it’s also warm and nostalgic. It kind of reminded us of arcade pizza.
Cancers are emotional and have layered personalities, so they’d definitely be a pizza with not one cheese, not two or three or four cheeses, but five cheeses. That’s a whole lot of complexity. But the really special thing is that Cancers like to protect their ooey-gooey emotions, so it makes sense that they’d pick a cheese pizza with a crust that hides cheese inside, where it’s nice and protected…until someone takes a huge bite out of it.
Okay, look. Leos are shockingly easy to pick food for. They’re fiery, bold, and theatrical. “What kind of pizza would Leos be?” I ask myself. “Spicy, duh,” I reply a second later. Am I talking to myself? Are you judging me? Oh god, am I losing it? Guess I don’t have my crap together like Leos do. They’re pretty organized and methodical, but they also want to stand out. This sausage pizza has spice, but in a way that’s palatable to a lot of people—just like you, Leo.
Virgo is an earth sign, so y’all are getting a veggie pizza. And before you let that stress you out, let us assure you that this is a very good veggie pizza—reliably good, just like Virgos. It’s so good, in fact, that when I dropped one facedown on the kitchen floor the other day, I still tried to slice and eat it. But unlike me, you can be trusted with this pizza, because you’re logical and practical and actually have a brain.
Libras are pretty contradictory but still manage to be balanced and harmonious. So while a vegetarian cheeseburger pizza might sound like a contradiction in terms, you can trust us that it works. Trader Joe’s Vegetarian Meatless Cheeseburger Pizza is meatlessly meaty and tangy (it’s covered in pickles!) while still being creamy and satisfying (especially if you dunk it in thousand island dressing). It all comes together in perfect harmony, and we love that for you, Libra.
Hello, my spooky, mysterious little Scorpios. Just as you are an enigma, so are Bagel Bites. Are they pizza? Are they bagels? In a way, you could say Bagel Bites are pret-ty shrewd for getting away with being both. But we love that Scorpio-esque confidence.
Sagittarius: Yachty’s Pizzeria Pepperoni & Bacon Pizza
Sagittarians are known for finding ways to incorporate adventure into everything they do, buying frozen pizza included. You wouldn’t go for ordinary pizza. No, you’re too well-traveled, too well-tasted? (No, that sounds weird.) Look, the point is, you’d probably venture into the world of celebrity food. Lil Yachty’s pepperoni and bacon pizza s-s-s-slappps. (That was not my attempt at rapping, I was just trying to emphasize). And all of your adventurous qualities have served you well! You found a delicious, porky pizza that no one actually expected to be good.
Capricorn: Home Run Inn Cheese Classic Pizza
Capricorns are masters of getting respect without showing off. So they’d be a classic cheese pizza—and not one of those pizzas with four or five cheeses (sorry for the diss, Cancers). Just “cheese” will do. Also, with Capricorns, it’s not about looks. Does this pizza look like the elementary school lunch lady served you some extra cheesy cardboard? Yes. But it tastes so darn good. It’s classic, it’s nostalgic, it’s delicious. Well done, Capricorns.
Aquarius: Daiya Cheeze Lover’s Pizza
Aquarians care about the world and the people and animals in it. So, I like to imagine that they’re dairy-free. And gluten-free. And soy-free. And every sort of “free” they can manage. Well, here’s a pizza that’s “free” in many ways (except price, sorry). And it actually tastes really, really good. So, now you can be kind to the Earth and still get down on a delicious cheese pizza.
For all those Pisces who are stuck between fantasy and reality and are probably going to forget they read this tomorrow, I suggest a pizza that transcends time and memory. You probably had these little mini pizzas as a kid and then forgot they existed. Were they real? Are you even real? Who knows. But enjoy this pizza today…while you remember.